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What Do You Need?

Massage in Witney, Mental Health, News, Personal Development, Physical Health, Recovery, Spiritual Health

One of the first things I ask my clients is “what do you need today?” Such an important question that a lot of people don’t know how to answer. Such a simple question that in itself, can be very enlightening as to how a person is feeling in their life. They might not know what they need. They may not have ever thought about what they need. Some people are uncomfortable with the thought that they need anything at all. We all have needs and we all need to stop and rebalance ourselves sometimes because there are areas in our lives that have become unbalanced.

If you are coming to see me, you have a need that you have identified. Whether that need is for a better feeling of health and well-being, to improve poor sleeping patterns, or you are over tired needing an hour of self-focus. You may have stiff shoulders, or you are just plain old worn out with everything because life feels to much, we can work it out together.

This working with all areas of a person is known as an Integrative approach that looks at every aspect of ourselves.  By undergoing this exploration we often find that the symptom is not the cause! Within this process, you have an opportunity to think about where you are, a chance to reflect upon what’s going on for you in all areas of your life. By asking you what you might need, I can then create a bespoke treatment that will ultimately give the biggest benefits and results that continue for far longer than the hour we spend together.

We can explore what oils I might use dependent on whether you need to relax, be calmed and soothed or be invigorated. We can look at your emotional needs and establish whether you need to talk, be silent, or be in a deep state of relaxation.

We might do Reflexology to get the body back into a state of balance or a massage with all of it’s healing, soothing, and/or invigorating abilities with endless benefits in it’s own right. We can maybe use some Reiki in the treatment if the deepest relaxation and healing is needed. Or maybe Hot stones which are fantastic for loosening up stiff muscles with the heat itself being very comforting. The treatment incorporates whatever is right for you on the day you come and see me.

So spend some time thinking about what you need today. Whether it’s to make sure you get your appointment with me in the diary, or it’s 10 minutes reading or walking or doing a breathing mediation. Maybe you need to cook your favourite meal or see your best friend for an overdue catch up. Whatever it is, do it! Because if you come and see me for a treatment, I’ll only give you something lovely to do for yourself for Homework anyway!

A tribute to Amy…

Alcoholism, Mental Health, News, Personal Development, Recovery, Relationships

I am in the business of personal development, self-development, self-awareness, recovery, whatever you want to call it, this is how I choose to live and it is also how I choose to make a living. We had an amazing day running a Get back Your Mojo return workshop where we have the privilege of seeing the distance that people have travelled since they attended the first workshop. It is humbling, empowering, learning and fills me with positivity and hope.

I got into this business of personal growth through my alcoholism, a double edged vehicle that takes us to wherever it takes us and it carted me right into an AA meeting over 20 years ago.  I not only haven’t had a drink or drug since, but I was lucky enough to be so completely destroyed by it all that I had to break my entire self down into little pieces and start all over again.

Today I arrived home to the news of Amy Winehouse, a woman who I distinctly remember saying to my son that if she carried on her path of addiction and continued to say no no no to rehab, she would be dead within a few years – that was a few months ago, and at the age of 27, she was today found dead on the floor of her flat, alone.

I cry for her as I have cried for everyone that I have lost through alcohol and drug addiction. When you go to AA, death from drinking and drugging unfortunately becomes something that inevitably happens, whether it’s suicide because life is to just unbearable for some or liver failure, it’s all the same thing. The unbearable pain of life numbed through addiction, oblivion and behaviour that justifies the madness.

As a Social Worker, I lost three young people I worked closely with to drug overdoses in one form or another across a  five year span. I cry for them too. As a friend, I lost someone I got sober with at the beginning of my recovery because he was so drunk, he thought he could dive from a cliff, except there was barely any water for him to jump in to. I cry for him.

It’s always so much more tragic I think watching someone publicly destroy themselves, watching someone want to die and show the world their pain through the eyes of a glass bottle. I loved Amy singing, I especially loved her singing on Jools Holland singing with Paul Weller, I heard It through The Grapevine.

Our modern day Billie Holiday maybe? I’m not sure that we can compare, but she was nevertheless in pain, unable to do ‘this thing called life’ like Billie who was heavily addicted to heroin but somehow made it to 44 years old. But as with a lot of public destructions that lie in front of us, baring all for us to see, we are left with something. Amy left us with some beautiful music. Thank you for dropping by this life and leaving us something special Amy and may you rest peacefully and safely….

The Continuum of Healing…

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One of my favourite first ever Self Help books which I read back in 1991, was The Road Less Travelled by Dr Scott Peck made attractive to me via the opening line, which stated with authority “Life is difficult.” Yes it is and what a fantastic revelation this was for me at the time. Because life had to that point been so hard and painful and lonely, I was now relieved to discover that this was ‘normal’, other people had felt this if there was an entire book about it and there was a way out of it! Twenty years later and I fully appreciate that if people can avoid dealing with their ‘stuff’ then they will, at any cost. Dr Peck so aptly wrote about the fact that nobody would wake up one morning and suddenly decide to undergo some spiritual development, some personal development, the arduous often painful task of self awareness, personal responsibility and social responsibility. Why would anyone choose that if drink, drugs, smoking, a daily dose of EastEnders, sex with strangers or over eating are something that they can still get away with.

I have yet to meet anyone who works in the professional field of Healing, whether that is of Mind, Body or Spirit, who has not been brought to their knees and ‘forced’ to take a new path in life. This journey of taking personal responsibility for your health, well being and spirituality is most usually precipitated by a crisis of sorts. Ill health, poor mental health in the form of a breakdown or anxiety attacks, or one of the three D’s (Divorce, Death, Debt). It is only when we know with all of our hearts that we can no longer go on, that we surrender. And it is in this process of surrendering that we ask for help, to God, the Universe, the Divine, the Spirit….whatever guidance you choose, that we can truly start on a new path and change.

If you want to get well and feel that you can’t seem to take the decision, a question that you might need to ask yourself if you feel full of dis-ease, is how far am I really prepared to go in order to Heal? What am I really prepared to change? What are the barriers that I put in the way of my Healing? What conditions am I placing upon Healing? When you understand this, you can take back some of your power and stop giving it away to all and sundry. You can be in charge of your recovery but there will always have to be change….and sometimes, we don’t want to. Sometimes, people become their state of mind or their illness because it suits them to stay in this role. Or maybe they just haven’t had a rock bottom yet and surrendered.

What lengths would go to to change? How far would you go to heal? And of course the wonderful thing about Healing is that it is not a destination, it a continuing state, a lifelong process that someone once told me would be complete about three days after I was dead!

Fathers Day

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Today I have watched the lovely stream of Fathers Day wishes cover my Facebook wall. From men rejoicing in their role as father, people remembering their fathers who have died, families preparing to spend the afternoon with their dads. And as usual on this day, I felt a tinge of sadness for those of us that have never had the loving look of a doting dad upon us.

It is said that people who do not know their parents or a parent are prone to fantasising about what that parent may be like. And, like a good statistic, I do. I have a fantasy about what my dad may have been like had I known him. I have a fantasy about what he may have been like had he known me. I certainly have a fantasy about how proud he may or may not be of me as a grown woman. What I cannot have a fantasy about is whether he is searching for me as he is unaware even of my existence. That tiny piece of hope has been taken away. So I must wander the planet knowing that he may walk past me and maybe he would turn his head twice sensing that he might know me, sensing a familiarity via my eyes or the way I walk or some habit I have that looks like a family trait.

I would like to believe that he would have prevented me from attempting destruction during my adolescence. I would like to believe that he would have protected me from the many harsh experiences that destructive behaviour brings. I would like to believe that he would have told me that he loved me no matter what. I would like to believe that I might have brothers and sisters who I would share Christmas dinners with and birthdays. I choose to believe that he would have been immensely proud of me as a grown woman, as a mother and as a daughter. For my dad, wherever you may be, know that I would come and find you if I knew where to look. Happy Fathers Day….

 

So what are Parabens and Propylene Glycol?

News, Personal Development, Physical Health

People often ask me what Parabens and Propylene Glycol are and why they should be avoided. I chose to use Neals Yard as a Therapist as it’s what I choose to use for me and my family. This is why I use Neals Yard products because they say No to:

Parabens
Animal Testing
Synthetic fragrances
Propylene Glycol
Silicones
Mineral Oils

So why should we be cautious around Parabens, particularly when challenging companies where this is present in their products. Companies that use them often quote that there isn’t enough evidence to prove them problematic or that there is only a tiny ‘safe’ amount being used.

The reality is that parabens are made in a lab and therefore have nothing natural about them at all so a company that claims to use Natural ingredients, for example, would have a Paraben free policy. The Danish Government have banned them in products for children. They are a cheap synthetic preservative and can cause allergic reactions and have been found in breast tumour tissue. They are also associated with turning male fish into female fish when washed down the drain! There is so much debate and discussion on the internet and if you google ‘Parabens’, you’ll find several heated debates, research and discussions. Neals Yard, as do I, choose to take the precautionary route and feel that nothing has been proved in favour of its safety or of its absolute danger.

As for Propylene Glycol, it’s derived from petroleum. Its  a cosmetic form of mineral oil that is found in automatic brake and hydraulic fluid and industrial antifreeze. In the skin and hair, propylene glycol works as a humescent, which causes retention of moisture content of skin or cosmetic products by preventing the escape of moisture or water. The Material Safety Data Sheet warns users to avoid skin contact with propylene glycol as this strong skin irritant can cause liver abnormalities and kidney damage. So why would you put that on your skin, hair and family? More to the point, why does the Government let us?

I shall stick to Neals Yard…but don’t take my word for it. Look at what the ingredients are in your everyday products and then google them. It doesn’t make for nice reading…

Intellect, Men and Relationships…

Being in your 40's, Love, News, Personal Development, Relationships

I was recently asked to take part in a BBC Radio 4 discussion regarding women’s relationships with men and whether it is vital that we are in intellectually compatible relationships and the impact of being or not being in such a relationship. So questions asked will also be around “Does it cause problems in a relationship when the woman is more “intellectual” than the man” and “Is a shared intellect important?”  When I found out that I would taking part on this, I put the status on Facebook and waited for the obligatory, contemporary way that we can collect views and have an immediate debate on the matter – Social Media is a wonderful City! 58 comments later showed that Radio 4 had indeed picked a good subject matter for it’s morning listeners.

Firstly, establishing by what is meant by “intellect” will be a good starting point. If we think of intellect as using the power of thought, or mind, to explore, reflect and speculate on a variety of ideas then that is probably a useful shared understanding of the concept.

And secondly, I think that a key points that will come out of this type of discussion is what sort of relationship are we talking about here? Once out of child bearing interest and single, relationships tend to have a different context and there are more types of relationship that can and will be chosen. Finding a provider, a father for your children may (or may not) be on the agenda in your 20′s and 30′s but unlikely to be your priority when you’re in your 40′s. So the types of relationships open to us have changed. For example, the needs required from a short term fling, a love interest, a companion or a part time lover are going to be very different than the needs a woman would have from a relationship that was long term, with someone who has involvement with your children or living together. So when we think about what types of relationships we’re looking for, what is at the top of that list in terms of a priority of what is needed?

Is sitting up into the early hours of the morning discussing the state of the world and existentialism part of what makes a satisfying relationship (excuse my flippancy for the purposes of making a point)? What are women’s support networks like in terms of getting those kinds of needs met? I personally have a very extensive circle of people around me who I can ‘intellectualise’ with. I also co-run a successful women’s Business Network called Networking Women so am surrounded by inspiring, intelligent, achieving women with whom I can pontificate with about just about anything!

So what do we need from our relationships with men, post 40, financially independent and in the year 2011? What do I think? You’ll have to wait for the programme….

The recording is on Monday, the airing date will follow….I’ll let you know!

Men and The Human Connection…

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I spend most of my time working with women. In Holistic Health and in my other business Networking Women. However, I have recently started working with a few men and offering Reflexology to men who have been recommended. As women, we have a myriad of support network options and because we are usually comfortable with talking (a lot in my case) and with eye contact (!) then it makes us very engaging and very able to form alliances. Women will create spaces for this to happen because of the need we have for it – we’ll talk to anyone at bus stops, supermarket queues, lifts…anywhere!

Recently I have started working a small number of men and what stands out for me is the disconnect they feel from their fellow human beings. There is a lack of connection and understanding of the human condition so I will hear things that suggest that they feel like all the feelings they have, are only feelings unique to them….that no-one else feels them like they do or they are being silly/indulgent. Acts of kindness that women will give in their relationships are eluded by lots of men. This has been an incredibly powerful observation for me and of course, men are as diverse a group as women, so I’m merely commenting on my current experiences and this may change as my male clients build. But it has helped me to think more about men’s perspectives when seeking ‘help’ or when they walk into a room full of women (remember the one dad at playgroup?)

I worry about how men seek a sense of well being and better health, and make better lifestyle choices (particularly single men) when asking for help is not part of the way they naturally operate, talking about health ‘stuff’ is boring and might mean that something has to be done!…..what do you think?

Back to Back…

Benefits Of Massage, Massage in Witney, News

My self identified project on Blipfoto, another one of my many creative pursuits, has been The Body and today’s picture is my mid back. I have a huge respect for my body as I think it is absolutely amazing. The way that the systems of the body work, would outwit any invention to try and do the same thing in a human-made machine! I think people take their body for granted and unfortunately it is not until it is not working properly that a realisation of it’s importance dawns.

Take the spine for example. The spine is made up of 33 vertebrae and is divided into five parts. Starting from the top there is the Cervical (7 Vertebrae), then the Thoracic which has 12 Vertebrae, The Lumbar Region (5 Vertebrae), the Sacral (5 fused Vertebrae) and the Coccygeal which also fused Vertebrae (between 3 and 5). Damage in any of the regions affects different parts of the body. For example, damage above  the T1, affects the arms and the legs. Damage the spine and you will prevent some part of your body working…..the spinal cord runs up the spine through to the brain, the control centre of the body.

I see a lot of people with back pain which tends to be brought about by poor posture, phone held under the chin and shoulder, carrying a baby/toddler or laptop bags and so on. A good massage once a month will ease the discomfort, get rid of all the knots and crunchy bits of crystal that get caught in the scapula and around the neck and shoulders. For more serious back problems, I will always refer a client to a good Osteopath or Chiropractor who can work far more deeply than I can and who also have far more extensive knowledge than a massage therapist would have. However, it’s very likely that they will also refer a client for massage in between sessions as well so the two professions can work well together for some clients.

So how do you look after your back?

Stay active. Some people mistakenly believe that back pain heals when you rest it but this is not the case. Walking is particularly good for prevention and easing problems should they start.
Keep on moving! Ensure that you have good posture so no slumping over your laptop on the sofa, or sitting at your desk.
Use correct lifting techniques when lifting, so bend your knees!
Drink lots of water, it keep the intervertebral discs hydrated.

In my experience, if you get knotty in your upper back and shoulders and neck, have a massage once a month. If you don’t, it’ll get worse and will eventually cause headaches. Prevent problems arising by exercising good back care. And remember….you only have one back. Without a healthy back, you’ll know about it!

Does Blogging Make Sense?

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Why do I blog? Why do I write down all my ramblings for all and sundry to read when I actually don’t really have the time to fit in yet another thing to my day?!?  This morning, at one of our fantastic Networking Women meetings, we had a speaker come and talk to us about blogging and about the difference she had made to her business by ranting about everything and anything that made her cross. Through Blogging, she had secured herself several national pices of PR, a slot in a Business Column and a dialogue with the Government on one of their Projects. Not rreally thinking about my writing in a strategic way, I started to think about my style of writing, what I am trying to achieve and what motivates me to do it.

I definitely write about the personal. Why? Because it helps me to articulate my emotional world which helps me to understand it. It stops me from having thoughts churning around in my head. It helps me understand myself better and therefore in the process, it helps me understand the reader, or my clients, better. It also helps me to convey to people that I haven’t met yet, who I am. When you go to a therapist for the first time, it’s important to know where you are going. Do you like their website? Can you get a feel for what sort of person they are? Will they understand what you’re going through? Blogging helps me to convey to you, what some of my personal experiences are, my lifestyle, my background, so that the judgement that you need to make, can be made.

So aside from Blogging for my own cathartic needs, it is primarily a tool for communicating with my reader, my clients and with potential clients. There is no other platform that would give me such an opportunity to explain myself in such detail. It also means that if people do not like what they read, they won’t come and see me. This is a great thing for me, because I want to attract the right people as my clients and I want you to come back. You are more likely to do that if you have made an informed choice at the beginning of your search. It is disheartening when someone comes to me, they haven’t chosen me, they haven’t read my website and I am just not the right person for them. The energy is all wrong like that.

I have also learnt more about writing and articulating myself thorough using Blogging. I tend to write as teenagers speak, that is, I forget to add the detail and just expect the reader to know what I’m talking about. I have learnt not to do this (I hope) and provide more meaning to my writing. So there we are….I’m not going anywhere, my writing shall continue and I shall continue to improve and communicate with whoever may be reading this…. because that’s the other wonderful thing; I don’t know who’s reading. Potential client today, International Publishing Giant tomorrow! Ok….less of the dreaming…

Positivity in the face of Adversity

Emotional Health, Love, News, Personal Development, Spiritual Health

There are many discussions to be had about positivity. Are we born with it? Can we learn how to have it?  Are we destined to be whatever our genetic predisposition has dished out to us, in other words, if your glass is half full or half empty, will it always have to be that way? As an irritatingly positive person who in the face of just about abolsutely anything will look for the good points, I feel incredibly blessed in managing difficulties becuase I have that to fall back on should all else fail. However, it would be misleading of me not to be clear that I still have to use techniques and strategies from time to time to regain my positive strength  in certain situations. So here are my top suggestions for remaining positive when it all feels a bit much.

  1. If you’re having a particularly bad day, go to bed – accepting of course that this may be in a metaphorical sense on occasion! (You weren’t expecting that were you?) Sometimes, it’s better just to accept that things aren’t working, it’s a bad day, and fortunately, tomorrow brings another 24 hour period within which to start again.
  2. Write a gratitude list. Pen and paper in hand, write down at least five things that you are grateful for. If all you can muster is that there is food in the fridge and you haven’t drank yourself into oblivion, then so be it (worked for me in the early days of Recovery a treat)!
  3. Smile at a complete stranger….particularly a sad looking stranger. Chances are they’ll smile back and you’ll both feel better.
  4. Do something for someone else without them asking….there has been plenty of research to demonstrate the power of helping someone else. There was nothing that I found more sad and pretty disgusting actually, than Simon Cowell saying that he hadn’t realised that helping someone else made you feel so good. How on earth you get to 51 without knowing this is a complete mystery to me!.
  5. Eat Green and Blacks Mint chocolate…..even writing down those words on paper makes me feel like heaven is on earth.
  6. Making mistakes is good….someone once said to me, treat mistakes as incredibly cheap (or sometimes free) training. Its just another learning opportunity so treat it as such and give yourself a break, and if the people around you won’t give you a break, tell them you’re on training for the day in “life” and all normal services will resume tomorrow!
  7. When you feel bad about yourself, the world, and the universe, it’s not really a good time to engage with other people apart from those who love you no matter what. When the world looks like a hostile place, it’s hard to feel the love and this is where reacting in a way that you wouldn’t normally can kick in. Not good. This is known in the trade as “likely to make things worse!”
  8. Find the most positive person you know and make them talk to you by buying them a large skinny cappuccino and some Green and Blacks!
  9. Accept that the ideals presented to us on a daily basis simply aren’t true. Children do smell, bathrooms get very dirty, people at work drive you nuts, (lets face it, people you love drive you nuts sometimes too), sometimes the evening meal has to be pasta pesto. In other words, rejoice and accept the imperfections as part of life, not something to be managed and controlled. And whether we like it or not, bad days come with the territory of being alive otherwise how would we know what a good day looked like?
  10. And finally, think of people in terms of light and heavy. When you are around ‘heavy’ people, that is how you feel. They bring you down, sap your strength and energy. ‘Light’ people on the other hand make you feel good and accepted and these are the people you need to spend time with.

I have been a little ‘light’ in my writing but I know that feeling negative is an incredibly draining place to be and we are all susceptible to ‘down’ times. Just remember, self love is the cornerstone to everything and everything else will follow (washed down with a bar of Green and Blacks of course).