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Sabotage…do you recognise this?

Love, Mental Health, Personal Development, Recovery, Relationships

Inspired by a repeated pattern of behaviour that I have observed of myself all of my adult life, I feel compelled to write about ‘sabotage’. Those of you who have done some work on yourself will be familiar with this terminology in relation to self-destructive behaviour, but for those of you who may be yet to explore it, allow me to offer my understanding of this.

Sabotage is born out of fear and operates so as to prevent having to deal with questions such as ‘I’m not enough’, ‘I won’t be loved’, I don’t deserve it’ or ‘what’s the point – I’ll be rejected/abandoned/fired sooner or later’.

In recovery terms, recovery from drug addiction or alcoholism, it might be that a person sabotages their recovery by continuing to go to places where they are at risk of using and then blaming the places, people or things that ‘made’ them use, rather than facing their role in that outcome.

Sabotage is not about taking responsibility. It seeks to blame other people for an outcome. For example, pushing someone away continually until they have no choice other than to actually go away and then they can be blamed as the person who was the abandoner…. In a kind of ‘see, I told you they would leave/reject me/abandon me’.

As a person who is aware of sabotaging, in particular, potential intimate relationships, I am knowledgeable and aware of this behaviour, a behaviour that I was made aware of a very long time ago. But what happens when it becomes more subtle? When knowledge does not equal power? Or worse, when you can actually see yourself in the behaviour but feel powerless to stop it?

We:

  • Forgive ourselves…first and foremost
  • With that comes compassion
  • We then take responsibility
  • With that comes repairing any damage
  • And when all is said and done, sit safely and quietly in the knowledge that we have just learned a little more about ourselves that will then make the lesson next time shorter until it has been learnt and does not come again!

Self-awareness is an amazing, frustrating, liberating state of mind, body and spirit. The lessons may take longer than we would like and they may get harder and more difficult to manage than we would like. But essentially what choice do we have if we are to become the best that we can be? The personal goal in life has to be that we can become the very best that we can possibly be, so learn, grow and love yourself in the process, as you are and as you can be.

My Recovery…

Emotional Health, Love, Mental Health, Personal Development, Recovery, Spiritual Health

I have recently found myself in the position whereby I felt the need to evaluate and crystallise what it means for me to say that I am Recovering Alcoholic. It can be a pretty emotive statement for some and I sometimes find a defensiveness about it as people almost run to look at their own behaviour and go about the business of either defending it or shirking away from talking about it for fear of ‘catching’ this god awful dis-ease. Usually there is a lack of understanding about what it means and there is definitely confusion around what is in fact a heavy drinker as opposed to an alcoholic.

If you read my blog regularly, you’ll know that I walked into my first AA meeting at the grand old age of 20 after an incredibly distressing seven year period. It was at 10pm in the basement of a hall on a road just off the Kings Road in Chelsea and I still stank of the booze from the night before. It was 1990 and there was a very lively pub on the corner that had to be negotiated before the meeting was reached. I felt grey, I felt alone, I felt misunderstood and I felt like I didn’t deserve the gift of life. A 10pm AA meeting is a pretty hard core meeting, even for a one in Chelsea. It was not for the fainthearted but, one day at a time, I haven’t had a drink since that first meeting and I will be grateful beyond measure for that, for every minute of every day.

I lived in meetings for about 2 years, sometimes three a day, substituting drinking with tobacco and coffee until I learnt that it didn’t actually matter what your substance of choice is, at some point you’re going to have to feel the pain. You’re going to have to confront what is left. You’re going to have to stare long and hard at yourself and get real, and there is nothing real about being in an AA meeting three times a day, in coffee shops with other meeting goers, drinking coffee until 1am in the morning, smoking endlessly!

When I talk about ‘recovery’, it is this process of being real, every 24 hour period, that I mean. It’s the daily process of reflection, self-comprehension and a self-honesty that most people would avoid at any cost. It is taking responsibility for my actions and being true to myself. It is a daily acknowledgment of what I have in my wonderful life – self-pity and gratitude cannot live side by side. It is impossible.

There is a saying in AA that goes, if you keeping going to the Barbers shop, you’re going to get a haircut. If I hang around dis-ease, heavy drinking, endless smoking and a disconnect from all that is beautiful, I am at risk of having a haircut. I don’t metaphorically go to the barbers very much at all, as these are not the circles I hang around in, but a difficult situation has presented itself to me and I have swiftly removed myself.

For me, my recovery is everything, because it is my life, literally. I am not here to judge other people and the choices that they make. I only know, with all my heart, however uncomfortable that might make you feel, that I cannot put myself at risk because I am worth sobriety. I am worth being well. I am worthy and that is why self-love and my spiritual connection, will always, always be, the cornerstone to absolutely everything.

The Invitation

Emotional Health, Love, Mental Health, Personal Development, Recovery, Relationships, Spiritual Health

This has to be one of my very favourite poems….it is such a gift.

The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

A Rule Book for Living…

Emotional Health, Love, Mental Health, News, Personal Development, Recovery, Relationships, Spiritual Health

Wish I’d had this years ago but here it is…

Desiderata

– written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s –
Not “Found in Old St. Paul’s Church”! — see below

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.


What Do You Need?

Massage in Witney, Mental Health, News, Personal Development, Physical Health, Recovery, Spiritual Health

One of the first things I ask my clients is “what do you need today?” Such an important question that a lot of people don’t know how to answer. Such a simple question that in itself, can be very enlightening as to how a person is feeling in their life. They might not know what they need. They may not have ever thought about what they need. Some people are uncomfortable with the thought that they need anything at all. We all have needs and we all need to stop and rebalance ourselves sometimes because there are areas in our lives that have become unbalanced.

If you are coming to see me, you have a need that you have identified. Whether that need is for a better feeling of health and well-being, to improve poor sleeping patterns, or you are over tired needing an hour of self-focus. You may have stiff shoulders, or you are just plain old worn out with everything because life feels to much, we can work it out together.

This working with all areas of a person is known as an Integrative approach that looks at every aspect of ourselves.  By undergoing this exploration we often find that the symptom is not the cause! Within this process, you have an opportunity to think about where you are, a chance to reflect upon what’s going on for you in all areas of your life. By asking you what you might need, I can then create a bespoke treatment that will ultimately give the biggest benefits and results that continue for far longer than the hour we spend together.

We can explore what oils I might use dependent on whether you need to relax, be calmed and soothed or be invigorated. We can look at your emotional needs and establish whether you need to talk, be silent, or be in a deep state of relaxation.

We might do Reflexology to get the body back into a state of balance or a massage with all of it’s healing, soothing, and/or invigorating abilities with endless benefits in it’s own right. We can maybe use some Reiki in the treatment if the deepest relaxation and healing is needed. Or maybe Hot stones which are fantastic for loosening up stiff muscles with the heat itself being very comforting. The treatment incorporates whatever is right for you on the day you come and see me.

So spend some time thinking about what you need today. Whether it’s to make sure you get your appointment with me in the diary, or it’s 10 minutes reading or walking or doing a breathing mediation. Maybe you need to cook your favourite meal or see your best friend for an overdue catch up. Whatever it is, do it! Because if you come and see me for a treatment, I’ll only give you something lovely to do for yourself for Homework anyway!

A tribute to Amy…

Alcoholism, Mental Health, News, Personal Development, Recovery, Relationships

I am in the business of personal development, self-development, self-awareness, recovery, whatever you want to call it, this is how I choose to live and it is also how I choose to make a living. We had an amazing day running a Get back Your Mojo return workshop where we have the privilege of seeing the distance that people have travelled since they attended the first workshop. It is humbling, empowering, learning and fills me with positivity and hope.

I got into this business of personal growth through my alcoholism, a double edged vehicle that takes us to wherever it takes us and it carted me right into an AA meeting over 20 years ago.  I not only haven’t had a drink or drug since, but I was lucky enough to be so completely destroyed by it all that I had to break my entire self down into little pieces and start all over again.

Today I arrived home to the news of Amy Winehouse, a woman who I distinctly remember saying to my son that if she carried on her path of addiction and continued to say no no no to rehab, she would be dead within a few years – that was a few months ago, and at the age of 27, she was today found dead on the floor of her flat, alone.

I cry for her as I have cried for everyone that I have lost through alcohol and drug addiction. When you go to AA, death from drinking and drugging unfortunately becomes something that inevitably happens, whether it’s suicide because life is to just unbearable for some or liver failure, it’s all the same thing. The unbearable pain of life numbed through addiction, oblivion and behaviour that justifies the madness.

As a Social Worker, I lost three young people I worked closely with to drug overdoses in one form or another across a  five year span. I cry for them too. As a friend, I lost someone I got sober with at the beginning of my recovery because he was so drunk, he thought he could dive from a cliff, except there was barely any water for him to jump in to. I cry for him.

It’s always so much more tragic I think watching someone publicly destroy themselves, watching someone want to die and show the world their pain through the eyes of a glass bottle. I loved Amy singing, I especially loved her singing on Jools Holland singing with Paul Weller, I heard It through The Grapevine.

Our modern day Billie Holiday maybe? I’m not sure that we can compare, but she was nevertheless in pain, unable to do ‘this thing called life’ like Billie who was heavily addicted to heroin but somehow made it to 44 years old. But as with a lot of public destructions that lie in front of us, baring all for us to see, we are left with something. Amy left us with some beautiful music. Thank you for dropping by this life and leaving us something special Amy and may you rest peacefully and safely….

There is another way…

Being in your 40's, Benefits Of Massage, Emotional Health, Love, Massage in Witney, Mental Health, Personal Development, Physical Health, Recovery, Spiritual Health

When that time in your life comes hurtling towards you, screaming at you that life cannot go on like this, the pain so great that it takes you to your knees forcing you to plead in your aloneness for help because you cannot take anymore, it won’t feel like it but it is indeed a wonderful thing.

This juncture, this fantastic turning point, comes in many different guises. A breakdown, a divorce, a bereavement, constant battling with food drugs and/or alcohol, living with depression, these are all clear messages that something has to change, that your life isn’t working for you, that your choices are causing you harm and you haven’t been listening to the endless messages you’ve been receiving.

However it comes at you, it hits hard but there is another way, a path that is about personal responsibility, self-love, self-investment and consciousness.

I have had to surrender many times but my first and most powerful surrender came at 20 years old through the glass of a whiskey bottle. The beginning of the life I was meant to lead rather than the life self-hatred had shown me was about to begin.

I have learnt that there are a few things that will help us when we start on a path of recovery or when we are going through pain and change.

  1. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Sleep well and eat fresh food, regularly through the day.
  2. Nurture yourself. By this I mean, walks in the countryside, visits to the seaside, reading a nourishing book, spending time with people you love and who love you.
  3. Start living in a state of self-awareness. Along with what my previous points, this is the time to start taking responsibility for your life, health and wellbeing. Personal growth and self-acceptance have amazing impacts on yourself and those around you.
  4. Make your health your business. If you’ve been suffering from depression and taking endless pills and then more pills to quell the side effects of those pills and you still feel the same, then maybe it’s time to approach life in another way. I am absolutely not advocating stopping doing anything without consultation with your GP, but there are lots of people who manage a host of issues holistically through diet, complementary therapies and preventative strategies rather than reactive ones.
  5. Stress management is so important. Again, think preventatively and ensure that you have time allocated to yourself whether it’s for long lunches with friends and family, walks that put you in touch with nature and your spiritual self, meditation, massage, reading. Whatever it is, book an appointment in the diary with you!

This is just the beginning, and living responsibly, lovingly and pro-actively will eventually become a way of life. Not looking after you will no longer be an option. Not having your healing time will feel wrong. Surrounding yourself with people you love and who love you, eating lots of fresh wholefood and taking responsibility for your health will define you, not the label that brought you to a place of surrender and change. This point is the beginning, the beginning of a journey that will take you beyond your wildest dreams…

 

Top Ten Books That Have Inspired Me

Emotional Health, Love, Mental Health, Personal Development, Recovery, Spiritual Health

When I look at posts about the top ten books of inspiration, they’ve always got the same drivel on them. Make a Million in 30 Minutes, Your Life is Awful-Let me Hypnotise You, Get Rich and get Rich Now….I know I’m being flippant but you get my drift. When I think of the books that have inspired me, they are a mix of fact, fiction and perosnal development. So here goes, my Top Ten Most Inspirational Books list (in no particular order)!

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

This was the first book that I read and understood and taught me the concept of Self Love. This book literally changed my life.

Making a Living Without A Job by Barbara Winter

An entire book written about the life I wanted…

Forget You Had a Daughter by Sandra Gregory

Sandra Gregory’s story of life in prison after getting arrested in Thailand in possession of drugs…

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Teachings of life for everybody.

Single Mother on the Verge by Maria Roberts

Well socially observed story about life as a single parent, the strange relationships available and finding yourself amongst all the chaos.

Stuart, a life backwards by Alexander Masters

Beautifully observed and compelling book about Stuart Masters, a thief, homeless, alcoholic, lost man….told backwards to the age of 12 explaining most poignantly the life one might have to lead one to the life he now has and a life that will inevitably end early.

Jonathan Livingstone Seagull by Richard Bach

“…people who know there’s more to this living thing than meets the eye; they’ll be with Jonathan Livingstone Seagull all the way.”

Laws of the Bandit Queens by Ali Smith

If ever I am to remembered in a book, I would want it to be a book about Bandit Queens. Oh yes!

The Four Faces Of Woman by Caroline Ward

A profoundly inspiring book about a woman’s spiritual journey.

Golly In The Cupboard by Phil Frampton

A moving story about Phil Frampton…growing up in the North West of England in the 50′s and 60′s, parentless in the care of Barnardos dealing with rejection, rascism, abuse and deception.

I hope you see something here that inspires you to read on.

The Life We Lead…

Emotional Health, Mental Health, Personal Development

April 2011 will probably be remembered as the month that Will and Kate got married and also as the longest Easter holidays in history – known as the month that contained an endless stream of Bank Holidays. The month that the sun came out (hooray!).  The month where parents even agreed with their children about how ridiculous it was to spend only two days at school because the rest of the week were Bank Holidays or Inset days.

Personally, I shall be relieved to return to some sort of normality. All these holidays have become a little tiresome and I don’t even really feel the need for that much enforced time off….I am quite able to note when I need a break and resent being told when I’m supposed to need to recharge my batteries thank you very much!

And it is this slightly prickly attitude that I observed within me that led me to question why I was having such a reaction to the holidays. It is because I am a self employed single parent? Because let’s face it, if you’re main income is tended to, you don’t work, or you’re employed and you’re being paid to spend endless hours having holidays, then you’re going to be smiling I would imagine.

But that didn’t sit comfortably because I did quite nicely out of having appointments on Bank holidays when people would normally struggle to fit in a treatment. Was it because my children were at home making it difficult for me to work and forcing me to spend endless cash on just about everything? No, because actually I like having my children at home in the holidays. They are far more relaxed and we all enjoy the slower starts and the opportunity to go on some walks, take some pictures, do a little shopping….all the things that are crammed into spare gaps during the weekends when they spend the week at school.

It was actually during a conversation with Kirsten, who I work alongside regularly running workshops and events, while she was having her Reflexology treatment with me. The first issue is that I don’t really have any family to speak of. I am an only child of a single parent that I have no relationship with so using holiday time to catch up with family is rarely on my agenda (apart from a trip every so often up to the North East to see my Uncle and all of his family). I suspect that lots of people are heading around the country visiting family. The second, possibly most important issue is that I have an incredibly balanced life. Every day, I run my home, my children, I work, I see my friends, I write, I take pictures, I read, I listen to music….I don’t have a lifestyle that I can’t manage. My own creative needs are met every day so I don’t need to make an appointment to have ‘me-time’ and I don’t have to give every last being of my soul to an employer who doesn’t really care whether I live or die for 5 long days a week, which in turn means that I don’t have to cram my parenting, chores, friends, creativity, rest and recuperation etc into two short days per week, desperately living for the next Bank Holiday (or Royal wedding)!!

So I had one of those lovely ding dong moments when I realised that I am living the life I always dreamed of. I am living the life I always wanted and I made it happen. I am living the life I am meant to be living. Life is very short and if I can create my ideal life, then we all have that that potential within us. Live the life you were meant to have. As Oscar Wilde once said “One’s real life is often not the life we lead”. That is not ever going to an option for me…

Being authentic…

Emotional Health, Love, Mental Health, Personal Development, Recovery, Spiritual Health

I have worked with lots of women lately through running workshops, through hosting  Networking events and also with my own individual clients and I am picking up a general theme that concerns me. I constantly hear women talking about the pressure that they feel to be living in a certain way. Whether it is that they should start to be having children, or that they ought to be settled down now, or that they work to much, or they think they should be a certain type of wife/mother/sister/lover. There’s always rather to many ‘shoulds’ in these discussions for my liking and I am always intrigued by where these ‘shoulds’ come from. Largely, I’m told when I ask, the perception seems to come from society and family.

Yesterday in our Cheltenham Networking Women meeting, our speaker, Cathy Dean was talking about guilt and how we manage it. This generated an interesting discussion about why this mechanism might be in place. We concluded that guilt used to keep your own moral belief system in check, is ‘good’ guilt. Feeling bad about behaving in certain ways is what allows us to live in society. The guilt which is hugely problematic is when it is driven by others’ needs to control and cajole you for their own benefit. People very much associated this type of behaviour with parents and partners.

I feel very blessed that I don’t seem to suffer with guilt. I can only conclude that because I had to drag myself off the floor at the end of a turbulent adolescence that I had to learn to hard way how to communicate my needs, wants, hopes and desires and I learnt the shortness of life. There is little room in my life for anyone to try and get me to behave in a certain way or live in a certain way (as my ex husband and his family can confirm). I have one life and I shall live it well and kindly and I shall live it how I wish!

So if being authentic means to be true to yourself, then this is very tricky indeed if we are always trying to fit in to someone else’s ideas about who we should be, how we should behave and what dreams and goals we should or shouldn’t pursue. So a few questions for you….If you are not being yourself, then how do you attract the right kind of people to you? How do people know who you really are and how do they know who they are having a relationship with? If you deny all of your wants, needs, hopes and desires to satisfy the needs of another person, you are telling everyone that you are not important and this will be reflected back at you. The only person who can change the way you feel is you! How liberating is that? Being guilt free or authentic isn’t about being disrespectful or unloving or self obsessed. It’s about saying, I am me and this is what I love to do and this is what makes me happy and I am important…..just as you are.